For the first time in 22 yrs I am dreading Christmas! Why you ask, well it goes a little something like this. Becki (my sister) and I buried our mother 22 yrs ago last week. Although I have had some pretty amazing stand in , in the Mom department, I am missing her something terrible this year. My mom wasn't a mom in the normal sense of the word. She was more like my big sister. She protected us the best she could and she loved us the best she could!
My kids are growing so very fast and have had to endure a lot of hardships, more than most kids there age have had to, but I wonder what it would have been like had I had my own mom!Would I have suffered the heartbreaking news of having that chance that I would lose my own family as valiantly, would I have fought as hard not to leave them motherless or wifeless? Would she have loved them and spoiled them like my own grandmother did for me and Becki? I know that she would come and see all the silly little plays and concerts, just because I asked her too! I would LOVE for my kids to know the kind of woman she was. She was very talented. She cooked gourmet meals, she baked cakes, that would make even the cake boss drool! She knitted, painted ceramics, made dolls etc,,, The list goes on. Oh for one moment for my kids to see her. For the look on Avery and Zackery's face to know that there Nanny is coming to love on them and no one else for a whole day. For them to not only see the talent, but to have the fruits of that talent in there rooms, or on there backs, or in there closets! They really are missing out on the best part of me, and that is my mom! 22 yrs ago I lost a friend, and a mom!
I have always loved this time of year! The baking, the gift buying, the trees, the feeling of peace and happiness. I tried my hardest for a long time to continue some of the things that she did, and this year, I just can't. I don't want to bake, I don't want to put up a tree, I don't want to shop. All I want this year is to feel her arms around me and to love me and I can't have that. I will never walk into the house again and smell her baking, I will never be able to put on another sweater that she made me, I will never again in this life feel her arms around me, rubbing my back and telling me that she loves me and that things are going to be OK! Like I said before I have had some amazing stand in, my Nanny, Jane and Aunt Joyce, Doug's grandma and even my mother in law have all had an impact on my life and the woman that I have become, but I still miss my mom!, I still have that little 13 yr old girl in side of me who desperately wants to understand why me? Why my mom? I know the answers to most of the questions already, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less, and for some odd and strange reason it hurts more this year than that first 3 weeks without her. It hurts more than on my wedding day, and on the day my kids were born. It even hurts worse than the day they told me that I wouldn't live to see my own family grow! 22 yrs is along time to miss someone that special! I know that there are going to be people reading this thinking that I have lost my mind, that I need medication or that I just need to let it go. I have been letting go allot in my life, it has made me a stronger person, however painful for you to read, think of how painful it was to write, to put all my feelings out there. I have needed to do this for me, and for my sister. I needed her to know that I hurt too and that I wish the same things she does. That I love her! I am human too. Sometimes I need to vent and let my world no that I am not OK today, that everything is not roses and sunshine! See Beck, we are more alike than either of us has ever known! Love you!
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